The human psyche is, truly, fascinating. A few hours ago I thought, "I will never even be able to speak of this. Ever." And here I am, about to write it on a public blog for the world at large to read, because writing about it now feels like the a necessity.
What is this, it?
I've lost my wedding ring.
My evening has, as you might expect, been hectic. I realized it was missing when I came home from dinner out with my sister. I went over to the ledge near my sink where I had earlier been washing dishes, and found only my engagement ring. Kegan was home, and so the three of us immediately began looking around the house. Assuming my cats were the culprits, we set out to look for where they had knocked it about. And, as you and I already know...we've yet to find it.
You can be shouting out obscure places it could be at the screen right now, but trust me. We've looked there. Twice. And yes, we've fathomed the obscure idea that maybe, possibly, one of my cats swallowed it. But they are not displaying any signs of intenstinal distress, although we will continue to monitor them and hope (for the first time in my entire life) that Noel will throw up as she tends to do regularly, anyway. Hey. It's one more place to look.
I've also wracked my brain to recall if I actually lost it somewhere earlier in my day than within the confines of my home. This is certainly possible, although I tend to think unlikely. Then again, when you've been married for five years your rings become a second skin. I subconciously put them on, wear them, and take them off. All I know is I put them on this morning, and 12 hours later, one of them was gone. This, coupled with my complete absent mindedness is a recipe for disaster. I am the first to admit that I am completely unobservant and go through my day with my mind in a million places. This has resulted in multiple misplacings of items, two lost (and then stolen) digital cameras, and my utter confusion earlier this week when I reached into my coat pocket for gloves and instead found socks. I don't know how they got there, just as much as I don't know where my ring has gone. Don't get me wrong, I am distraught. But I can hardly say that I am surprised.
My amazing sister helped turn my house upside down for two hours. After she left and it was just Kegan and I, I broke down, because this loss is unbelievably upsetting to me. I would rather misplace any material item I own before my wedding ring-- save for maybe my childhood teddy bear or the necklace my mother gave me on my 20th birthday. But other than those items (which, ironically, were a part of my actual wedding), there is nothing more valuable to me than my wedding ring. And I'm having to deal with the very real possibility that it is gone forever. No lie, I experienced the five stages of grief tonight.
Denial: No way would I lose it. That happens to other people, but not me. I'll find it. It's here.
Anger: Let's just say I pride myself on being good with words, which means expletives as well.
Bargaining: God...just let it show up and I promise I will never lose anything ever again/reform my absent mindedness and every other aspect of me which is horrible. I just need the ring back and then I will fix everything else.
Depression: I cried, and then I cried some more.
Which of course brings us to the final stage, and the reason why this horrible event has somehow made it's way onto my Thankfulness Project.
Amidst the searching, I just couldn't believe Kegan wasn't mad. He's the one who bought and gave me that ring, as we made our vows to one another, and he's also been the bystander to 10 years worth of my absentmindedness. I could only imagine how frustrated he was, and didn't understand why that wasn't being expressed. But when I was hysterically crying, he pulled me into a hug and put it all into perspective. "Yes you lost it and that's awful. But you didn't lose a family member, or a friend, or your health, or your job. You still have all of those things. I know it's jewelry, and the most sentimental jewelry you own...but it's just that. I love you, and I will always love you, and that's what the ring represented, anyway."
As most girls would, this just made me cry more.
But he's right, and my sister was saying this, also, as she left. We all hope it turns up, but at the end of the day, it's just a symbol. Yes it symbolizes the most important aspect of my life...my marriage...but that has been unmarred by this incident. And for that, and for all the other countless blessings of my life, I am thankful.
In the middle of my hunt, I think when I was pulling every sweatshirt out of my closet to check the pockets, a calmness settled within me. I thought, "It'll all be okay." Of course I attributed this at the time to spiritual foresight that I would find the ring and thus everything would be okay. Now I recognize that I must accept the very likelihood that my realization that "it'll all be okay" might be the reality of life without my wedding ring. Because as upsetting as that would be, that would be the truth. It will all be okay. I might need to tell myself that repeatedly for a while- maybe forever- and it'll likely be an epiphany I continually have as I undoubtedly will continue to be upset about this for quite some time. The importance, though, is that the epiphany will come, and I'll remember to put it all in perspective.
But on another note...I'd also love for a future post to be "WEDDING RING: FOUND!" So if you don't mind, reader, please say a prayer or send well wishes into the universe that I stumble upon it somewhere. Ideally not in cat vomit, but I'll take whatever I can get.
"I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess."- Martin Luther