#314: 33 Weeks

It's amazing and surreal on Thanksgiving Eve to write this particular post...to think back on how much my life has changed since this project began, to think how much my life is going to continue to change. I felt when I began this project that it would be a year during which I would become more aware of my blessings, and unbeknownst to me it would also prove to be the year in which I would receive the greatest blessing. Today I am 33 weeks pregnant.

I considered not posting about my pregnancy; as is clearly a common writing condition I suffer from, it's often hard for me to find the words for the aspects of my life which are the most personal. And there's nothing in my life-- has never been anything in my life-- that is more personal than to be pregnant. But there's also never been anything in my life that I've been more grateful for, and so it felt imperative to close the year and the project to try and find the words, no matter how fleeting they are, to express my gratitude for the life I carry.

In the most fitting way, I learned that I was pregnant on Mother's Day. From that moment on my priorities shifted. Never before have I felt or understood in the way I do now how much bigger life is than ourselves. I cannot even comprehend how much more deeply I will feel this in the coming weeks.

There is so much I want to say and so much that is unsayable about how amazing it is to be pregnant with your first child...not just because the words are elusive, but because it feels right to only share them with your child. I can only assume that as this life grows within me it's absorbing the infinite love that courses through me, burrowing this into his or her bones so that it knows, always, that he or she is the totality of my best wishes, my greatest of hopes, and the blessing of all blessings...of course not just of this year, but from this year forward, for the rest of my life.

#312: My Mom

From the very beginning of this project, from the very first post, there are traces of my mom—her role in my life and the influence she maintains. Despite the fact that I have written proof that I think of her often, it is nothing compared to the living reality of her omnipresence on my mind and in my heart.

As a young child I was genuinely attached to my mother’s side.  There was such a sense of security being in her presence, such comfort in the sound of her voice or laugh that I was on edge in her absence. While there were a number of reasons I could not make it through an entire school day during first grade, one of it was that I couldn’t bear that stretch of time away from her.  In a show of complete maternal grace, my mother- without complaint or contention- came and picked me up every day so that I could have lunch with her (meaning she made the trip from home to school 8 times in a single day). It didn’t matter that I had amazing siblings…when they were left to babysit me I was often merely counting down the time until my mother came back home. When I look back on my childhood, she was my constant.

As I aged I grew out of the literal attachment I felt towards my mother, but an emotional one naturally took its place. I was able to see her for who she was as my mother but also as an individual, able to appreciate her for her countless graces. She was unbelievably patient, building my confidence as I came into my own. She was motivating in what I think is the best way a parent can be—always encouraging me to simply try my hardest at anything I did, and so long as I did assured me I was going to be successful. She taught me to persevere in the face of hardship, to know that moments in life would be difficult but could be conquered. She was soft spoken and introverted, and I often wonder if, like me, she was always taking life in and appreciating it quietly because it’s more powerful to do so. I like to think so.

She was physically beautiful, and maybe I am biased, but when I see photos of her especially in her youth I think she might have been the most physically beautiful woman I have or will ever know. But as with the best people her physical beauty was transcended by her inner beauty. She had such sensitivity and kindness, a simple and quiet strength. Nothing was more important to her than being a mother, and I am unbelievably blessed to have been born into that unconditional love. I’ve often wondered how my mother felt upon the realization that she’d be having me, her fifth child, years after her fourth. To this day I still remember meeting an acquaintance of hers who recalled the day my mother announced she was pregnant with me. “She was so unbelievably happy…when they say pregnant woman glow, your mother was glowing when she was pregnant with you.” It makes me happy to know she was so happy to have me. When we’d run into people together I was always labeled as “her baby”. There were certainly years of my life, mostly due to adolescent rebellion, when I hated being classified as the baby. But now, at 28, there’s something comforting knowing that part of my identity is as my mother’s baby.

When I think of my mother I have a tendency to see and remember her in vignettes. I can hear her laughing with my dad after dinner, when the two of them would sit back together after all the kids had cleared the kitchen. I see her standing, huddled in her winter coat, at the fence along the track, watching me run, quietly cheering me on. I can smell the sugary air as she baked my favorite Christmas cookies, a recipe to this day no one can reproduce. She lives in these frames in my mind.

My mom knew me wholly. She knew my strengths and weaknesses, my hopes, fears and insecurities. She knew me without need of discourse, because a child can only been known in this way by a parent. My life has been irrevocably marked by her absence when she passed when I was only 20 years old. . Grief is profound, and time doesn’t actually heal all wounds. It makes them more bearable, but they’re never healed.

That being said, I know my mother is not absent from my life. I truly feel connected to her still; my bones are her bones, and in them I feel her strength and support. That is what anchors me; always has, and always will. 

#308: Bryan

I recently wrote about how thankful I am for each of my four sisters-in-law. I also have an amazing brother-in-law, Bryan, who is married to Kegan's sister, Desiree.

Bryan is a dedicated, hard working, caring father and husband, and with Desiree is raising two wonderful boys. He extends his caring nature to the rest of our family, always willing to help whenever it is needed and opening his home to us for great meals that he cooks. An accountant he also always helps everyone in our family take care of their taxes...sacrificing his personal time to do us this huge favor graciously year after year is paramount of his generous and helpful nature. I love being a part of the Brown family for so many reasons, and Bryan is one of the best of them.

#304: Dennis

My brother Dennis is the sibling with whom I have the most in common. This was evident from early on in life; in pictures from our childhood Dennis and I often have the same expression…whether I was doing it to mimic him, or there was something intrinsic that brought it out in both of us can’t be known. Regardless, these are moments captured in time of us as one in the same, and they are some of my favorite photos, because being Dennis’ sister is one of my favorite roles in life, and being likened to him is one of the highest compliments I think I can be paid.

I think if there is anyone to whom I feel kindred it is Dennis. My father actually jokingly used to call me Dennis because our similarities are almost uncanny. We share similar interests, have the same likes and dislikes, generally have the same disposition and perspective…commonalities that our respective spouses even to this day continue to be surprised to discover. We joke that our genetic identity must be nearly identical, except for the markers related to gender. When I discovered that I, like he, am a carrier of the cystic fibrosis gene I called him and told him it was the one time in my life I was annoyed to have something in common with him, and that is honestly the truth.

Dennis is an amazing brother. He has been one of my biggest supporters and advocates since I was little…from sneaking carrots off my plate so that I could be excused from dinner to being one of the first people I turn to when I need advice or guidance. Just earlier this year Dennis, after reading my post about losing my wedding ring, called me to encourage me that it would turn up, helped me frame it in perspective and even laugh about it. And that’s exactly what Dennis does, not just for me but for all of his family: he encourages us, balances us, and helps us see the levity in even the most stressful of situations. Dennis’ humor is rivaled only by his heart: he cares so deeply and profoundly for his family, and I am so blessed to be the recipient of that love by being his sister.

There’s no one in this life I’d rather watch a Twilight Zone marathon with, no one who’d truly understand my Haunted Mansion obsession (since it’s his, too),  no one with whom I would more trust what I hold most personal, no one who I’d rather be linked to than Dennis.  My life is filled with so much love and laughter because of him. You can see that in the pictures of us when we’re little, and you can see it in how inexpressively happy I am to be his sister.

A rare departure from our usual shared expression;

Dennis wanted us to look scared to be in the Haunted Mansion secret hallway...

I was too excited to be there, to happy to share that moment with him

#299: Joe

I've found the fall to be the season for old friends to resurface. Be it the impending holiday season, the quiet that ensues after summer chaos has calmed or something in the air, I've heard in the past few weeks from many old friends. And a very popular question...even from people who've never met him...is "How is Joey?"

Joey, or Joe as he now goes by, is my first nephew and my brother Don's oldest son. Joe was born when I was only 10 years old and in 5th grade, and so many of my old friends from high school have distinctive memories of how cool it was that at such a young age, I was an aunt. As it ages us, they are all often taken back to hear that he's nearly 18, driving, a senior in high school, and significantly taller than me. They might remember the pictures of him covering my locker-- this adorable, blue eyed, dimpled little boy. When I think of Joe I can see that little boy, but more often I think of him as the amazing young man he's become.

Maybe it's attributed to the fact that he's the oldest in his immediate and extended families, but Joe has always seemed more mature than his age. He carries himself with confidence and self assurance, is a hard worker and talented athlete. One of my favorite qualities of Joe is his natural grace...you can see that in his interactions with his numerous little cousins, his politeness, his constant willingness to be of use, to offer help. He also has a knack for finding hysterical youtube videos, and it is he first introduced me to this gem.

Joe and I are only 10 years apart. As time goes on I know the age gap will lessen...in many ways, it already has. He is and always will be my nephew, but I truly do see him as a young man, one whom I know I can always depend on, and one who I am so very thankful for.

#296: Ella

Yesterday I heard my youngest niece, Ella, say my name for the first time. She's likely known how to say it for a while, because she said it multiple times, but it was the first time I had heard it personally. A muffled "Mel", almost sounding like, "Meow", and I was reminded how amazing it is to have a baby say your name.

Ella is definitely transitioning out of her babyhood into toddlerhood, and I love this phase. Her personality is really making itself evident: she's strong willed, confident, very playful and smart. I am so grateful that Dennis and Gina have a healthy, happy daughter; I look forward to watching her continue to grow into the toddler and ultimately girl she's becoming, and for every day I get to hear her say 'Mel'.

Ella Bella

#293: My Home

This week I've thought often how thankful I am for my house-- for the physical structure of it, the fact that it provides me and my family shelter. Today I am thankful for my house as my home.

I love the comfort of my home, that it's a place I feel secure and safe. I love that it's adorned with photos of my family and friends-- the living embodiment of home. I love how laughter bounces off its walls, that it's set the stage for holidays and birthdays. I love the way sun streams through the windows, the way rain runs down the window panes. I love how light filters in throughout the day, how you can see the moon out the skylights. I love finding my cats curled in their secret spots, love the sound of Kegan's keys in the door when he returns from work. I love knowing I've been blessed here, and with continued  grace, will be, even more so, here.

"Home is the nicest word there is." - Laura Ingalls Wilder

#286: My Dad

Today is my dad's birthday. As I've written before I love birthdays- love a reason to celebrate someone's life- and my dad's life is one I celebrate most enthusiastically.

As anyone raised by loving parents would say, I owe so much of who I am and how I've been blessed to my dad. Growing up he was very involved in how I was raised-- he had high expectations for our academic performance, behavior, and character. Looking back on this as an adult, I see how much I benefitted from his guidance. He instilled in me a sense of discipline, a drive to be successful, my commitment to family...the qualities that I believe are at the cornerstone of my identity.

People who meet my dad immediately take to him. He's outgoing and effervescent, genuinely interested to get to know others and make them laugh. After meeting him most people say to me, later, "I love your dad." One of my favorite things to do is to sit back and watch my dad take over a room, watch him captivate an entire group with one of his anecdotes or ridiculous stories. It's a sense of pride I'm feeling, but mostly I'm just feeling unbelievably lucky to be the daughter of such a great man.

Within our family he is clearly the patriarch and leader. His grandchildren are completely enamored by him, adoring in his love and attention. I have clear memories of my nephew Sean, having just turned two, enthusiastically calling out "Pop!" as my dad walked me down the aisle at my wedding. My little nieces and nephews hang on his legs, light up when he smiles at them, love to play along with his giddiness. My older nieces and nephews revere him in a more mature way, learning how valuable his advice is, swelling with his acknowledgement of their achievements and beginning to sense his motivation for them to succeed. He's an amazing grandfather, and I cannot wait for my children to be blessed to have Pop in their lives.

My siblings and I likely cannot begin to characterize how much he's done for us. My sisters-in-law and Kegan do not view him as a father-in-law but truly as simply a father. My three brothers are all amazing men and wonderful dads themselves, and I know it's because they learned from the best. My sister and I both regularly rely on my father for advice-- he takes phone calls at any hour of the day to talk to us, and for years has been the shoulder we've leaned on. In light of losing our mother, my father has had to take on a more significant parenting role, and I know she's comforted knowing her babies are still under his care. I'm the baby of the family at 28, and my father is still my dad, as he is still to my siblings. He's still raising me, still taking care of me, still encouraging me to be the best version of myself.

As anyone raised by a loving father would say, one cannot truly elucidate the ways in which their father has influenced them, cannot truly capture the wholeness of their gratitude for who he is and how he's raised them. I've written it out, but this does not compare to how it feels. It's even difficult to find the way to close these sentiments, as I feel instead that I could go on and on about how grateful I am for my dad. Instead I'll say this: I am thankful, every minute of every day, to be his daughter...and there aren't enough minutes in the day for that.

#282: Megan

Megan is my niece and goddaughter, my brother John’s youngest daughter. My sister-in-law Stacie recently uploaded some gorgeous photos of her that my sister-in-law Kate recently took, and I caught my breath at how precious she is, physically and otherwise.

When Megan was born I brought her a stuffed lion to the hospital, and John, Stacie and I have all joked that she does embody a lioness’ spirit, and has since her birth: she carries herself, even at her young age, with confidence, is protective of her older sister, and is full of life and vibrancy.

She is even tempered, and I’ve almost exclusively seen her in a good mood—happy to be visiting family, playing with her cousins, at a trip to the park. Maybe it’s too young to know this about someone, but Megan seems like the kind of person who embraces life and whatever it throws at you…at least she does when it comes to three-year old life!

Megan is a beautiful young girl, as evidenced by Kate’s photos, but mostly evidenced by her personality and character. Like all of my nieces and nephews, I cannot wait to see who she’s growing up to be.

My Little Lioness

#281: Patrick

Today was my nephew Patrick’s confirmation. When my dad asked him what name he had chosen as his confirmation name, he responded immediately, “Peter…but I really wanted Wolfgang.”

Patrick, since he was very little, has always been the nephew that cracks us up. He’s quick witted, unique and hilarious. My dad prides himself on his “Patrick stories”, as I think we all do. Unlike most kids his age Patrick carries himself with confidence and self assurance. He’s game to try almost anything, and does, which I think is helping him turn into a well-rounded young man. When he tries a new sport or hobby he throws himself into it 100%, a sign of his willingness to push himself and always give his best. Once he settles and focuses, he excels, and Patrick is bound to be extremely successful because of that.

I’m so thankful for Patrick. He’s a true Collins in every sense of that identity, but he’s uniquely himself all at the same time. I love my time spent with him, my stories about him, and the knowledge that I'll always get to be front row to his antics and adventures.

#271: My Sisters-In-Law

I am blessed to have four sisters-in-law: Kate, Stacie and Gina, who are married to my brothers, and Desiree, who is Kegan’s sister. While they are all deserving and will inevitably receive their own reflections within this project, I find myself today thankful for them, collectively.

It was a rarity—but over the course of the past two days I actually spoke with all four of my sisters-in-law. I had a question I needed answered and so I reached out to each of them. They all gave me wonderful advice, and reminded me how lucky I am to be a part of such a large family, and the joy, support and love that one’s extended family brings into life.

I truly don’t remember life before Kate; since my brother Don and I have such an age gap between us, I am pretty sure they started dating when I was only 7 and were married when I was 9 and a half (to the day, I know, because it was my half birthday). Not being able to comprehend life without Kate is something I feel literally and also emotionally—she’s always been an older sister figure in my life, a mainstay, someone who I know I can always rely on, because she’s been there for me more or less for the entirety of my life.

Gina became my next sister-in-law when she married my brother Dennis. I still remember the day that I met Gina, when I went with them to play mini golf, and I had an instantaneous affinity for her. She exudes such compassion and understanding it’s always been natural for me to be extremely open with her, and through that we’ve become very close. She’s also been a spiritual role model for me, someone who lives with such grace and humility you can’t help but strive to cultivate that in your own life.

When my brother John married Stacie I felt like I had found something in my life I had always felt like I was missing: a family member to talk ad nauseum about books! A fellow English teacher, Stacie and I bonded over our shared love of literature. Her deep thoughtfulness when it comes to books is parcel of who she is: an extremely thoughtful person. I remember when I was going through a tough time in college, and she sent me this wonderful card of support and flip flop pajama pants…a sweet gesture I’ve never forgotten, one that typifies her generosity and care for her loved ones.

Desiree, Kegan’s sister, is one of the sweetest people I know. She’s soft spoken and reserved, in many ways the opposite of her younger brother—but it’s those exact differences that I most value. Desiree is a great listener, and is always one to check-in and see how things are going for you, an aspect of her personality I probably don’t thank her enough for. We’ve grown very close over the years that I’ve been with Kegan, and I’m appreciative of that closeness. She knows Kegan in a way that few people do, and I'm also so grateful for her relationship with him.

I am so thankful that the men in my life have brought some pretty amazing women into my life. They’ve opened their homes to me, mothered all of my wonderful nieces and nephews, cared for our family and for me, cried and laughed along with me, and most of all become four very close, dear friends. 

#268: Erinn

Erinn has played a major role in my life during its most recent years, but she's actually been a part of it for far longer than that. We grew up in the same small town, went to high school together, and her older sister (who was the same year as me in high school) was someone I knew well and hung out with on occasion. Erinn and I then ended up at the same college, and while we were years apart and had never talked much, I always made it a point to wave to her when I saw her on campus.

It was at our college that Erinn met Brian, Kegan's cousin, and her now fiance. It was because of their relationship that Erinn and I came to really know each other. While I am unbelievably thankful for Brian and Erinn as a couple, selfishly I must admit I am also thankful for their relationship because it resulted in me gaining a best friend in Erinn, as well.

One of the reasons we became so close is because we discovered we have so many similarities. We both love to read and share a very similar taste in books, we're aspiring writers, run and have run together often, appreciate the same dark humor and in general think alike. She is so easy to talk to, and we can talk seemingly for hours with one another...and in doing so we've forged a bond that made her feel like family way before she officially became part of it.

Beyond our likeness, Erinn was so easy to become close to just because of who she is. She is wickedly intelligent and funny, cares unbelievably deeply for those close to her, gives great advice and always is willing to lend an empathetic and understanding ear to my various qualms, neurosis and concerns. She's supportive and thoughtful, often dropping by with little gifts she's picked up that remind her of me or is something she thinks I'd like (and she's always spot on with that). I love hanging out with her; we spend a lot of time together going running, out to eat, to happy hours, or just bumming around my house together.  I've always loved Kegan's family and spending time with them, but now I love it even more because Erinn's a part of all of those gatherings, too.

Erinn and I recently talked about how we can be very social people, but also very guarded. She actually sent me a quote by Sylvia Plath that summed up this juxtaposition: "I like people too much or not at all." Erinn would be one of those people, then, that I guess I like too much...and I've learned from her that I need to be more open to the possible friendships that are around me. Who would've known at the time that the girl I would pass in my high school hallways would become one of my nearest and dearest friends? What I do know, now, is that I am unbelievably blessed that she did.

Erinn and me

(love this picture of us, although I desperately wish I could fix my hair in it)

(I add that caveat because I know that's something Erinn will understand)

#259: Matthew

Today we celebrated the 5th birthday of my nephew, Matthew. At one point during his party his younger cousin, Tyler, tripped, and in doing so punctured a hole in one of Matthew's gifts. Tyler welled up with tears, the shock of his fall and the realization of what he did overwhelming him. Matthew immediately took his hand, crouched down by his side, and said, "It's okay Tyler." While a typical five year old might have been upset by the slight damage to one of his gifts, Matthew could care less. In that moment all that mattered was making sure his cousin was calmed. All of us in the room gushed, his selflessness testament to what a fundamentally good natured, sweet kid Matthew is.

Matthew has grown up so quickly; he's definitely a little boy now, and I was a little saddened to be buying him little boy gifts, as opposed to toddler boy ones. He carries himself with such self-control and patience, speaks with character and enhanced vocabulary that I even aged him a year and mistakenly thought he was turning 6! I was happy, actually, to realize he's only 5...it felt in a way that I bought a year of his childhood back, and he's such a fun kid to watch grow up at that. I love watching his care of his baby brother Landon, his affection for his parents, his spirited personality, and his very Italian way of talking with his hands. Matthew is my first nephew not to be blood related, and I think in being that I will always hold a special place in my heart for him-- he's one of many people who've proven to me that family is defined not by our genetic ties but by ones bound by love.

Matthew and me. We clean up well. 

#258: Phone Call Check-Ins

For someone who doesn't really like to chat on the phone, I of course really think it's important to connect with your loved ones every so often and really talk . In the age of instant communication it's so convenient to send an email, text or facebook message for quick check ins, and I love that those technologies allow for the ease of staying in contact with one another. But every so often I believe it's important to have more than that, and phone calls fill that void. Tonight I called my brother to check in, and it was so great to talk to him and catch up...it was one of the times that I hung up the phone and was so grateful that I took the time to call. It's also always nice to be the recipient of check-in calls from people, nice to know that loved ones are thinking of you, and in that vein, I love chatting on the phone.

#255: Photographs

One of my summer projects was to "deal with my photographs". I had a lot of prints that hadn't been put into albums or properly organized, as well as every digital photo I've taken since graduating college just sitting in iPhoto. I resolved to tackle these loose ends, and during my actual summer vacation I did deal with all of the loose prints.

This morning I sat down at my computer to begin sorting through my digital photos, organizing them into albums that I could ultimately order and have printed. It was so wonderful to go through the photos, seeing my nieces and nephews in their younger years, recalling great trips and times with Kegan, my family and friends.

Despite feeling initially like I had so many photos, I inevitably wished I had more. It's encouraged me to make more of an effort to take more photos and not just let them sit on a computer. I'm grateful for all  of the photos that I have, and the time that I spent going through them. It's another way to live out my Thankfulness Project: I can't help but see the smiling faces of my loved ones or recollect amazing experiences I've had without feeling grateful for them.

#254: A Giants' Win

A newly self proclaimed Giants fan, I have to be thankful today for their comeback win against the Buccaneers. More so than the win itself, I am just glad to have spent the afternoon watching the Giants victory with Kegan and my dad. There are so many aspects of being a football fan I've long desired...I was just missing the "being a football fan" part of it, which was kind of a necessity for the other benefits. Now that I am throwing myself into that identify, I'm getting to enjoy the perk I most wanted: being able to spend time with friends and family, rallied around a similar cause, and of course indulging in some awesome game time snacks.

#252: Julianne

I'm thankful for, and feel blessed to have, regular readers of this blog. My niece, Julianne, is one of the regular readers I am most grateful for.

When I began the blog and sent the link to Julianne, she told me early on it in its inception that she was reading it and liked it. My sister-in-law Kate, her mother, mentioned to me that Julianne was reading it often, and occasionally I get text messages from her commenting on my posts. I am humbled to have someone I love so dearly so invested in a personal project-- but Julianne showing how supportive she is, and how much she cares for a family member, is simply at the core of the wonderful young woman she is.

It's a little surreal to refer to Julianne as a young woman; so often when I think of her I envision the curly haired, energetic toddler who was my first born niece. But now she's 15, this stunningly tall blonde whose beauty sometimes takes my breath away, who carries herself with such quiet grace it's hard to remember she's the same girl who once literally almost bounced my grandmother out of bed she was jumping on it so vigorously. A part of my "first generation" of nieces and nephews, when it overwhelms me how quickly Julianne has grown it makes me realize how much I need to cherish the babyhood and childhoods of my "second generation" of nieces and nephews. I wish that I had been more acutely aware of how fleeting those days would be when Julianne was still into playing dress up and with stuffed animals.

That being said, I love my relationship with Julianne now, too. We've gone running together, she's slept over, and we've had real, serious conversations...we're only 12 years apart, and so I know the older she gets the narrower our age gap will become. While she'll always be my niece, she's also become a good friend, and a wonderful one at that. Julianne is good natured and kind, quick to offer help to anyone in need. She's an awesome sister and "big cousin", and the playfulness and energy of her childhood resurfaces regularly-- this sprite-like look coming across her eyes, one that I think I share with her, as well. Julianne is intelligent, hard working, athletic, and has a laugh that fills a room. It's been amazing to watch her grow up, watching her grow into this beautiful woman, one I am so grateful to have in my life.

Often when I write something about a family member or friend, something has sparked an impetus to reflect on who they are and the role they play in my life. Since I've realized Julianne's readership of this blog I've decided to just have hers come out of the blue, because with Julianne (and honestly all of my family and friends) there's no need for a reason to be thankful...because I am, always.

My stunning niece

#243: Riley

Yesterday I went to my brother Dennis'  house and had the lovely fortune of spending some quality one-on-one time with my niece, Riley. When you have 11 niece and nephews it's hard to have that individualized time, and I so grateful when those moments occur. Riley and I spent a lot of time coloring and chatting while we did so, played dress up and with her toys. I had such a nice, quiet evening with her, and even in our simple play, I was aware of how grateful I was to be with her, and for her.

Riley is Dennis' second child and first daughter; I've always felt a special connection to Riley because she is the first and only of my nieces and nephews to really look like me, physically. I imagine this is how cool it feels to have a child, to look at your daughter or son and see yourself reflected in them.
Riley is a doll-- she's a total girls' girl, and has the sweetest voice to coincide with her very feminine personality. If you're looking for some girl time, look no further than hanging out with her. She has a sweet disposition, as well, evidenced best by how much she loves and cares for her baby sister. Riley loves to give Ella hugs and kisses, loves to be kissed and hugged by Ella in return. Yesterday Ella woke up cranky from her nap, and Riley immediately invited her to go play-- it was clear she wanted to do that both to cheer her up, and because she genuinely wanted to play with her. As someone who values the relationship sisters have with one another, this was a really touching moment to witness.

For all of her sweetness, Riley also has a playful deviousness about her, which I love and totally connect with her over. We laughed as she encouraged my brother to drink her brother's milkshake while he was out of the room "just because", and we've recently bonded over her newfound love of the Haunted Mansion in Disney. My heart literally melted when I received a phonecall from her when she vacationed in Disney this summer, wanting to ask me questions about the mansion and gush in how much she loved it. It was while I was on that call with her that I realized Riley and I don't just look alike but we are alike...and I am so thankful to have her as my niece.fami

#241: My Flynn Family

Yesterday I had the chance to spend time with some of my extended family. My cousin Ellen was gracious enough to open up her home to the lot of us, so we gathered together there for what was a really wonderful day. Throughout it, I couldn't help but think how thankful I am for my Flynn family.

My Aunt Peggy is my dad's sister, and she is married to my Uncle Mike. My Uncle Mike has always been a constant, quiet presence in our family. He exudes a sense of calm, and is always good for a great one-liner. My Aunt Peggy is one of the most thoughtful people I know. She is unbelievably considerate and kind, a source of great love and warmth throughout my life. One of the aspects I admire most about her, my Aunt Peggy has always sent my father and our family eloquent, honest, comforting cards and letters honoring the memory of my mother. Aunt Peggy's words have brought great solace to me throughout my life, and I will never be able to thank her enough for her love and support. She also has the feminine version of my dad's laugh, which is always great to hear booming throughout a home.

Like father and mother is daughter. My cousin Ellen is a true blend of her parents. She has her father's quiet grace and her mother's warm heart. For various events throughout my life Ellen will send me thoughtful gifts and warm notes, and I am always overwhelmed by her generosity. Ellen's brought into our family a troop of awesome men, in the form of her husband and three boys, and I look forward to our families growing up together.

My Flynn family is so wonderful. I have warm memories of gatherings at my Aunt Peggy's home, where my grandparents lived, throughout my childhood. You know you are amongst those you love the most, amongst those you can be yourself with the most, when their homes feel like an extension of your own. Yesterday was a really great day, and reminds me how thankful I am for all of the family in my life.

#234: My Brother, John

John is my 2nd oldest brother. We spent most of my childhood referring to one another as 'buddy', and that truly encapsulates our relationship. When I was little John was always game for playing with me; I recall lots of trips to the park, rounds of Candy Land in the family room, and letting me hang around and watch him play video games. He was always positive and seemingly never annoyed by me...at least he never showed it...and he quickly was someone I considered not just a brother, but a best friend.

When I was about 6 or 7 John went away to college; I was distraught the night before he left. It was truly the first time I had ever experienced loss, and I didn't know, at all, how to process it. But like the amazing brother he is John was the only one capable of cheering me up the day he left, and I still felt close to him when he was in Delaware. He wrote me letters and called every week, always making sure that he stayed on the phone long enough to talk to both of my parents and me, his little buddy. While his leaving for college was a challenge in those early years, it ended up being a blessing when he graduated. He moved home for a few years afterwards, and at that point my sister and brother Dennis were both in college themselves, and Don had married. So for a few years it was just John and I, and I had the benefit of our childhood relationship on an adolescent scale. He remained my buddy: he helped me study for tests, took me to movies, drove me around when I needed a ride, and partnered with me in an attempt to solve Donkey Kong Country (our frustration with the last board likely took years off of our lives).

Yesterday I saw a glimpse of who John is in what is ultimately one of his best roles-- as a father. We were at his daughters' birthday party. Erin became upset during the singing of Happy Birthday-- a typical 5 year old overwhelmed by the sudden, fixed attention. I was helping with the cake preparation, so I was able to witness John's calming influence. He simply took her off to the side, hugged her, and explained very calmly how it was totally fine how she was feeling-- that lots of people don't like to be the center of attention, and that it's a really normal response. Erin was locked into his advice, and quickly brightened. In that moment I realized this is exactly who John is: a reliable, trustworthy, loving man-- one who cares for his daughters, wife Stacie, family, friends, and physical therapy patients deeply. He's always been there for me-- from those early days until now-- and I am so thankful that I have him as my brother, my buddy.

Buddddddies