#314: 33 Weeks

It's amazing and surreal on Thanksgiving Eve to write this particular post...to think back on how much my life has changed since this project began, to think how much my life is going to continue to change. I felt when I began this project that it would be a year during which I would become more aware of my blessings, and unbeknownst to me it would also prove to be the year in which I would receive the greatest blessing. Today I am 33 weeks pregnant.

I considered not posting about my pregnancy; as is clearly a common writing condition I suffer from, it's often hard for me to find the words for the aspects of my life which are the most personal. And there's nothing in my life-- has never been anything in my life-- that is more personal than to be pregnant. But there's also never been anything in my life that I've been more grateful for, and so it felt imperative to close the year and the project to try and find the words, no matter how fleeting they are, to express my gratitude for the life I carry.

In the most fitting way, I learned that I was pregnant on Mother's Day. From that moment on my priorities shifted. Never before have I felt or understood in the way I do now how much bigger life is than ourselves. I cannot even comprehend how much more deeply I will feel this in the coming weeks.

There is so much I want to say and so much that is unsayable about how amazing it is to be pregnant with your first child...not just because the words are elusive, but because it feels right to only share them with your child. I can only assume that as this life grows within me it's absorbing the infinite love that courses through me, burrowing this into his or her bones so that it knows, always, that he or she is the totality of my best wishes, my greatest of hopes, and the blessing of all blessings...of course not just of this year, but from this year forward, for the rest of my life.

#295: Fix You

Coldplay’s song was used in last night’s NBC Benefit for Hurricane Sandy, and I was moved by it, as I always am. It’s a song filled with such hope, a reminder that even in our darkest of moments there is light.

"Fix You"

#293: My Home

This week I've thought often how thankful I am for my house-- for the physical structure of it, the fact that it provides me and my family shelter. Today I am thankful for my house as my home.

I love the comfort of my home, that it's a place I feel secure and safe. I love that it's adorned with photos of my family and friends-- the living embodiment of home. I love how laughter bounces off its walls, that it's set the stage for holidays and birthdays. I love the way sun streams through the windows, the way rain runs down the window panes. I love how light filters in throughout the day, how you can see the moon out the skylights. I love finding my cats curled in their secret spots, love the sound of Kegan's keys in the door when he returns from work. I love knowing I've been blessed here, and with continued  grace, will be, even more so, here.

"Home is the nicest word there is." - Laura Ingalls Wilder

#291: The Essentials

In the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, it’s easy to be thankful for life’s essentials: four sturdy walls and a roof over my head, heat, electricity, access to fresh food, water, the health and well-being of my family and friends. It’s ironic that all of this, which we should be the most thankful for, is oft what we take most for granted. An event as horrible as a natural disaster reminds us of that, and hopefully reminds us to be thankful for it all even on the calmest, sunniest of days. 

#277: My Birthday

Today is my 28th birthday. I love celebrating birthdays, mine included. It's a day on which the sentiment of this project is a living reality, a day I spend humbled by the love and light of my life. I embrace each birthday and the turning of a new age with happiness for the present, appreciation of the past, and hope for the future.

"Do not regret growing older; it is a privilege denied to many." - unknown

#251: Everything

My Thankfulness Project has me focusing intently on the individual aspects of my life for which I am grateful. On a day like today- a day of national remembrance- I cannot help but be thankful for absolutely every aspect of my life. It is a blessed one, one that I try to never take for granted, especially on a day the reminds you how precious life truly is.

#223: Everything In This Commercial

I saw this Coke commercial today, and it made me smile. A nice reminder that all of this exists:

"Look At The World A Little Differently"

#133: Easter

As the priest said during today's homily, "Because one of us made it, we all make it."

#123: Micah True

My colleague, Adam, popped in my classroom today to inform me of some troubling news. Micah True, an ultrarunner made famous in Born to Run, is missing. He went out for a 12 mile run Tuesday morning in New Mexico, and hasn't been seen since.

I felt immediate shock and concern, and have spent a lot of my prep period at work reading articles regarding the situation. One was from a website in the New Mexico area, and it listed 'Things You Can Do To Help.' A number of those were targeted at people looking to join the search and rescue operations, but the last tip resonated with me: "If you can spare a minute of your time for a prayer, a positive thought or for visualizing his safe return, please do it. Our friend needs all the support he can get right now."

I am thankful for Micah True. He is an inspiring man, one whose story I was captivated by when I read Born to Run. I am praying for him and his safe return, and hope that I can soon update this post with my thankfulness for that.

UPDATE: I am saddened to write that the body of Micah True was located on Saturday. Christopher McDougall, the author of Born to Run, posted on twitter that "Caballo had the only funeral he would have wanted: his friends spent days running in the wilderness in his honor." I, too, will run this week in his honor, and will aim to run and live as light as the white horse.

#118: Godmothering

I am the godmother to two of my nieces, Grace and Megan, and, as of yesterday, my nephew Landon. My role as their godmother is one that I truly value. I am so thankful that my brothers, sisters-in-law and brother-in-law all asked me to have this distinction in their children's lives, and one of the charges of my life is to fulfill this responsibility.

Regardless of the religious lives they develop as they age, I want, as their godmother, to instill and encourage in them what I believe it means to live a life of faith: that hope is resonant; to believe in the power of prayer, and the purpose of prayers that go unanswered;  to ask for forgiveness, and forgive easily-- even when it's just of yourself; to treat each day of your life as a blessing; to be honest and loyal in all relationships; to believe in times of darkness in the imminence of light.

As I reflect on the gratefulness I feel to be a godmother to my three godchildren, I can't help but also be thankful for my own godparents. My mother and father wisely and lovingly chose my cousin Patricia and brother Don to be my godparents. They've been awesome ones to have throughout my life. They both live quietly and gracefully, and have always made it known that I can rely on them for any need. I aspire to be as good a godmother to Grace, Megan and Landon as they've been to me.

#87: WEDDING RING: FOUND!

Shut the front door, people.

I don't think I have ever more in my life wanted to utter Baptist Church style jubilation. HallelujiahThankTheGoodLordSweetBabyJesus!

Honestly, finding the ring was rather ironic. I had an afternoon run scheduled for the day, and I mentally prepared myself to deal with my residual frustration and sadness while running since it's cathartic for me.  On this run I would accept the loss, and move on.

While sitting down in my family room to stretch for this exact run I was at the exact angle needed to see a circular glint in the centimeter space between the foot of my china hutch and the dining room floor. To be honest I almost hesitated in checking, because it was in the exact space where one one of those flat felt pads are on the feet of furniture, so that's what I initially assumed it was. Also I've been "looking" for my ring, even in places where it couldn't possibly have been, and I've been trying to temper that neurosis. But I went over, and as soon as I was laying on the floor parallel to it there was no mistaking that it was my ring. I fished it out with a knife, saying aloud, "OH.MY.GOD."

And so what was supposed to be a run of acceptance became a run of celebration. I'm sure I looked like a total weirdo fist pumping and lip-singing while I bounded through  my neighborhood, and I had to legitimately refrain myself from telling random people whom I passed, "Hey guess what?! I lost my wedding ring and found it today isn't that the best news ever?!" and embracing them. Seriously, I am that happy.

Not hard to decide what I'm thankful for today. Prayers to Saint Anthony, Armenian Folklore, well wishes, positive thinking, reassurance, and the return of a much loved, deeply missed ring.

P.S. Yes, yes, yes. I said I looked in "every obscure place twice", and you probably yelled out to your screen, "Check in that centimeter space between the foot of your furniture and the floor!" but I missed it. From now on I will know to check there for missing things. If I've learned anything from this experience it's that. And to not leave my wedding rings out in my home...that's a lesson I should probably internalize, as well.

#84: Perspective

The human psyche is, truly, fascinating. A few hours ago I thought, "I will never even be able to speak of this. Ever." And here I am, about to write it on a public blog for the world at large to read, because writing about it now feels like the a necessity.

What is this, it?

I've lost my wedding ring.

My evening has, as you might expect, been hectic. I realized it was missing when I came home from dinner out with my sister. I went over to the ledge near my sink where I had earlier been washing dishes, and found only my engagement ring. Kegan was home, and so the three of us immediately began looking around the house. Assuming my cats were the culprits, we set out to look for where they had knocked it about. And, as you and I already know...we've yet to find it.

You can be shouting out obscure places it could be at the screen right now, but trust me. We've looked there. Twice. And yes, we've fathomed the obscure idea that maybe, possibly, one of my cats swallowed it. But they are not displaying any signs of intenstinal distress, although we will continue to monitor them and hope (for the first time in my entire life) that Noel will throw up as she tends to do regularly, anyway. Hey. It's one more place to look.

I've also wracked my brain to recall if I actually lost it somewhere earlier in my day than within the confines of my home. This is certainly possible, although I tend to think unlikely. Then again, when you've been married for five years your rings become a second skin. I subconciously put them on, wear them, and take them off. All I know is I put them on this morning, and 12 hours later, one of them was gone. This, coupled with my complete absent mindedness is a recipe for disaster. I am the first to admit that I am completely unobservant and go through my day with my mind in a million places. This has resulted in multiple misplacings of items, two lost (and then stolen) digital cameras, and my utter confusion earlier this week when I reached into my coat pocket for gloves and instead found socks. I don't know how they got there, just as much as I don't know where my ring has gone. Don't get me wrong, I am distraught. But I can hardly say that I am surprised.

My amazing sister helped turn my house upside down for two hours. After she left and it was just Kegan and I, I broke down, because this loss is unbelievably upsetting to me. I would rather misplace any material item I own before my wedding ring-- save for maybe my childhood teddy bear or the necklace my mother gave me on my 20th birthday. But other than those items (which, ironically, were a part of my actual wedding), there is nothing more valuable to me than my wedding ring. And I'm having to deal with the very real possibility that it is gone forever. No lie, I experienced the five stages of grief tonight.

Denial: No way would I lose it. That happens to other people, but not me. I'll find it. It's here.
Anger: Let's just say I pride myself on being good with words, which means expletives as well.
Bargaining: God...just let it show up and I promise I will never lose anything ever again/reform my absent mindedness and every other aspect of me which is horrible. I just need the ring back and then I will fix everything else.
Depression: I cried, and then I cried some more.

Which of course brings us to the final stage, and the reason why this horrible event has somehow made it's way onto my Thankfulness Project.

Acceptance.

Amidst the searching, I just couldn't believe Kegan wasn't mad. He's the one who bought and gave me that ring, as we made our vows to one another, and he's also been the bystander to 10 years worth of my absentmindedness. I could only imagine how frustrated he was, and didn't understand why that wasn't being expressed. But when I was hysterically crying, he pulled me into a hug and put it all into perspective. "Yes you lost it and that's awful. But you didn't lose a family member, or a friend, or your health, or your job. You still have all of those things.  I know it's jewelry, and the most sentimental jewelry you own...but it's just that. I love you, and I will always love you, and that's what the ring represented, anyway."

As most girls would, this just made me cry more.

But he's right, and my sister was saying this, also, as she left. We all hope it turns up, but at the end of the day, it's just a symbol. Yes it symbolizes the most important aspect of my life...my marriage...but that has been unmarred by this incident. And for that, and for all the other countless blessings of my life, I am thankful.

In the middle of my hunt, I think when I was pulling every sweatshirt out of my closet to check the pockets, a calmness settled within me. I thought, "It'll all be okay." Of course I attributed this at the time to spiritual foresight that I would find the ring and thus everything would be okay. Now I recognize that I must accept the very likelihood that my realization that "it'll all be okay" might be the reality of life without my wedding ring. Because as upsetting as that would be, that would be the truth. It will all be okay. I might need to tell myself that repeatedly for a while- maybe forever- and it'll likely be an epiphany I continually have as I undoubtedly will continue to be upset about this for quite some time. The importance, though, is that the epiphany will come, and I'll remember to put it all in perspective.

But on another note...I'd also love for a future post to be "WEDDING RING: FOUND!" So if you don't mind, reader, please say a prayer or send well wishes into the universe that I stumble upon it somewhere.  Ideally not in cat vomit, but I'll take whatever I can get.


"I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess."- Martin Luther

#31: Christmas Eve

From the standpoint of my faith, I am thankful for Christmas Eve, the day that marks the hope of all hope. I reflect today on this, knowing that I, even in my brokenness, am given the gift of redemption.

"Hark the herald angels sing, glory to the new born king. Peace on Earth and mercy mild, God and sinner reconciled. Joyful all ye nations rise, join the triumph of the skies. With the angelic host proclaim: Christ is born in Bethlehem. Hark the herald angels sing, glory to the new born king."